If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
