And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
