I'm so fucking centered right now
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
