True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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