her vagina looked like bernie madoff
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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