i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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