I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
