When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
