just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
