What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
