First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
being pregnant is like rehab
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
