i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
