it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
