I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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