Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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