i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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