Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Randomize
