She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
