Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
