i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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