if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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