ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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