If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
