Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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