I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
