Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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