Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
