We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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