I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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