I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize