Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
