Reggie can tackle my bush.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
