I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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