Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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