all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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