My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel great
I just peed on a car
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Floor bacon is actually really good
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
