i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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