the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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