Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
