Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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