did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm just crazy horny about you
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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