just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
