dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
