I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can text with my tongue
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
