So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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