what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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