You just made me feel so damn special
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
