Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
