If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
