And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
