I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
