If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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