You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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