I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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