We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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