my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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