bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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