I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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