I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
