My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
