you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
