so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
