Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
