Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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