i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
