I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
