He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
