I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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