This is not my ceiling
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize