Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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