An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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